You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
