We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Couch. On fire.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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