I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
