I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
