somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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