The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Randomize
