Need sex. Gaining weight.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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