i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
