One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize