so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
