it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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