he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
