I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Someone shit on the floor
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
