Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize