It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
