I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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