If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
