why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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