i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
