Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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