Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
