she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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