woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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