I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
