my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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