Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
