Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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