if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
