she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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