I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
