if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize