Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
