if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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