I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
