There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
