Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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