I wish life had little blips of pornography
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
