yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
