Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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