I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
