He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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