she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
