Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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