there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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