Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
