i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
