Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just threw up on my dentist
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize