Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
