Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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