Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
