I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
