I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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