i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
