My girlfriend figured out who you are.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
