It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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