I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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