I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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